![]() I even got hit by a car when I was cycling to college, crossing a notoriously dangerous junction, while going through my lists. I went to see a counsellor who wasn’t very helpful, and I was on a waiting list for the college psychiatrist, but before I got to see them, I hit rock bottom. I was drinking a lot, I was quite nervous and I wanted to fit in. I had weekly therapy sessions, and it did start to help after a while, but then I went away to university in Dublin where I didn’t have any support networks in place, and I took a step back. It felt like a reprieve and I realised I wasn’t guilty. I opened up to the psychiatrist about everything, even the bad thoughts like wanting people to die, and she told me that was normal with OCD. She’d seen it before so she recognised it, and I was given medication and referred to a psychiatrist. The doctor said straight away that I had OCD. After that, my teacher took me to the school doctor and I admitted that I had these thoughts. Mum finally realised something was wrong, but I still wasn’t saying what was going on, so she thought it was a physical issue and took me to the doctor where I was sent for blood tests for anaemia. I didn’t want to get out of bed because every moment triggered me into my OCD rituals. When I was 15, I began to think, "This can’t be right, my friends can’t be thinking like this or they would get nothing done." And at 16 it all came out. There was a girl at school who was told she needed to use deodorant, and because you can’t smell yourself, I thought, "Oh God, I could be like that girl." I’d take events like that and massively magnify them, so I’d imagine myself walking along with a big cloud of green putrid gas around me. I’d think people were going to go home and hang themselves because I’d laughed at them. ![]() Apologising became a compulsion, because I’d worry I’d offended people all the time. My friends didn’t realise I had these issues, everyone just thought I was a daydreamer, but they did notice I’d apologise a lot. ![]() Then I’d wake up and something would happen, like I’d see myself naked and look at my boobs and think, "I’m sexually obsessed with myself", then I’d think everyone else would know that and the whole school would be talking about it. I’d have lists that had piled up during the day, and I thought of bedtime as a portal to the next day during which I’d become clean and purified, so every night when I went to bed I’d think, "I’ve gone through all my lists, I’ve got them in order, now it’s 4amĪnd I can sleep, then wake up a good person, and everything will be OK". ![]() It’s common for OCD to be aggressive in the evening. On them, that I’d have to go over until I remembered them all. I’d have long mental lists with hundreds of things I’d done wrong My parents didn’t realise what was going on as I internalised everything, although Dad did notice I was fidgeting and told me he’d get me a guinea pig if I stopped. When you’re little and have no control, you search for ways to control the world. Various things exacerbated my condition, like arguments between my parents, who are now divorced. ![]() Me, and it wasn’t exactly an imaginary friend, but it was easier to believe those scary thoughts came from someone else. There were two people there in my mind when I was a child. ![]()
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